These quotes are more or less in the chronological order of the film.

Troy: So what do you say, Lelaina?
Lelaina: I'm not a valedictorian but I play one on tv.
Troy: We all know you slept your way to the podium.

Vicky: My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy whos been after my ass for years.

Lelaina: Well, I know this sounds cornball but I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.
Troy: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

Lelaina: Hey Sammy, what's your goal?
Sammy: My goal is... I'd like a career of something.

Lelaina: Vicky, he will turn this place into a den of slack.
Troy: What the hell is your problem?
Lelaina: I have to work around here and unfortunately, Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.
Troy: Oh well I'm sorry Miss poster-girl for the worker's party but until I get that uh toe-hold in the burger industry I've got a little time to suck. I'd rather check into a shelter then deal with her shit.

Vicky: It's cool, Troy, you can stay. Welcome to the maxi-pad.
Sammy: Yeah, with new dry-weave it actually pulls moisture away from you.

Troy: What 'Hey, That's My Bike' would like to do as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.
Sammy: Or Richard Simmons. You know, how in his commercials he surprises people jogging...
Troy: As you can see, I have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My Biker and to those people I say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Troy: If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder, I could solve the energy crisis.

Lelaina: Troy, aren't you excited?
Troy: I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

Sammy: I just do not understand why this moment needs to be Memorexed.
Troy: Sammy, don't you realize this is your one oppurtunity to play a small part in what is destined to be greatness? Lainy here is going to revolutionize Good Morning Grant.
Sammy: Oh my God I am so sorry, I had NO idea.
Lelaina: Oh yeah, look whos mocking. All you do around here, Troy, is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.
Troy: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
Lelaina: Well, then what good are you?
Troy: You're a pathological optimist.

Troy: Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.

Vicky: We're going to eat gas.

Troy: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water or was it his in-depth analysis of Marky Mark that finally reeled you in. I just would have liked to have been there to watch how you rationalized sleeping with a yuppie-head cheeseball on the first date.
Lelaina: He's not a yuppie.
Troy: He's the reason why Cliff Notes were invented.

Troy: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment your laughter become a cackle... and I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

Sammy: You got fired? I mean, that just screws up my whole idea of good and evil and God.

Troy: One of these days I'm gonna wake up, before noon-
Lelaina: Yeah right.
Troy: I'm gonna turn on the tv and there Bryant Gumble will be and he'll say, 'Today we have with us the Pulitzer-prize winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce. Lelaina, after your first film, 'Why Barbie is Bad', you seemed to have forgotten all about your best friend, Troy Dyer.'
Lelaina: Troy... who? What was that name again? Oh, right through the heart.
Troy: I'll probably be working at Whole Foods you know, playing warehouses and hanging around places like the Radio Shack screaming that I used to know you and you'll be in the lights and all beautiful and shit.
Lelaina: Oh, Troy, no no no no no, that would never happen. They'd never HIRE you at Whole Foods.

Lelaina: You shut up, I busted my ass to find a job, any job. You won't even bother showing up for interviews.
Troy: What is it that you want from me, huh? You want me to get a job on the line for the next 20 years til I'm granted leave with mygold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors because I surrendered the one thing that means shit to me. Well you can just exhale because its not gonna happen, not in this lifetime.

Troy: What happened to your normal clothes?
Michael: Wow, Lelaina, look at you. You look... Where'd you get that dress?
Lelaina: Um... I don't know, I just bought it. But I think I'm gonna go change...
Michael: No don't, you look beautiful. You look like... you look like...
Troy: A doily.

Michael: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you, because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.
Troy: There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.

Lelaina: Well, congratulations, Troy Dyer. Welcome to the world of the emotionally mature. It's a very nice place to visit. Hey, you might run in to Michael he lives here.
Troy: Oh yeah, Michael Michael. He's so mature because he lets you navigate that entire relationship. Well, I'm sorry Lelaina, but you can't navigate me. I might do mean things and hurt you and I might run away without your permission and you might hate me forever and I know that scares the shit out of you because I'm the only real thing that you have.
Lelaina: Yeah, well that ain't real much.

Michael: Nice job. Very well done.
Troy: I don't want to hear it from you.
Michael: Oh, I forgot, I'm not qualified to talk to you. I'm sorry I can't be Mr. look at me I'm Buddha on the mountaintop. Know what you are man, you know what you remind me of? You're like that guy, you know, with the hat and the bells you know...
Troy: Court Jester.
Michael: Yeah, where everything is so easy to laugh at from a safe distance back in clevercleverland. You know what happens to him? They find his skull in the grave and they go- Oh, I knew him... and he was funny. And the guy, the Court Jester, dies all by himself.
Troy: Where'd you hear that, a Renaissance festival? Besides, everyone dies all by himself.
Michael: If you really believe that, who are you looking for out here?

Troy: What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know.